photo: Fini Bussy Broman

TC Matic - Middle class and blue eyes

Not exactly Alternative Industrial ... but ;-), Belgian alright.

Kraftwerk Das Modell Live

Twilight scenery

Stage panorama from Nine Inch Nails over America tour, for the song In this Twilight:


Exxon Facility north of Baton Rouge, Louisiana:

end of tour ...

Nine Inch Nails: Live From Rehearsals: 1,000,000

NIN - Survivalism (Live 2007)

More sad shit going on these days, and this one really makes me sad. I feel insulted too, music that has given me energy go keep going in life, music that has made me feel part of something great and good, is used for mean purposes. I have no words for it ...

"It's difficult for me to imagine anything more profoundly insulting, demeaning and enraging than discovering music you've put your heart and soul into creating has been used for purposes of torture.
If there are any legal options that can be realistically taken they will be aggressively pursued, with any potential monetary gains donated to human rights charities.
Thank GOD this country has appeared to side with reason and we can put the Bush administration's reign of power, greed, lawlessness and madness behind us.

Trent Reznor
posted by trent reznor at 11:36am "


Tunes used for torture at Guantanamo, link:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28144557

Nice walk

Nice walk, on a Sunday afternoon, watching the city in it´s artistic lighting in trees on bridges on houses on chimneys on trams and in shop-windows, everything professionally arranged during the darkest time of the year and in such an appropriate time before Christmas. We spot small shiny snowmen on the pavement, and spruces placed all along the Mainstreet in almost every streetcorner, from down where it starts by the railwaystation to where it ends by the Museum of Art.

This particular Sunday is the one in the year that starts up our four weeks long wait for Christmas, the first Sunday in Advent. Elevenyearold daughter tries to turn her walk into a long last memory with a little help from her friend, the blue/green digital camera she had as a gift from her father, there are thus a number of stops during our walk, she just can´t help herself. We both think this city is a very nice city to live in, it has lots of interesting places, and the city gardener, who during summertime keeps almost every growable space in town with flowers for us to enjoy, has done a great job decorating the parks with light this dark period of the year.

We are heading for the number one Advent attraction, that is going to be lit this afternoon, the big candlestick ... well, I wouldn´t call it a candlestick without some slight hesitation, but there is no other word for it, is it. It doesn´t look like a candlestick but it has four chimneys .. yeah, right, representing the four candles we put in our candlestick that we put on our coffeetable that we put on ... that we keep there these four weeks and lit one candle every Sunday until Christmas arrives. (notice some trouble I had describing this in English, :-) sorry ) The chimneys are located on top of an old heating central that was used for heating up several factorybuildings included in the "Industrial Landscape", as they call it nowadays when it´s funtioning as a touristattraction, not the prosperous forestindustry it once was, of course situated in the middle of the city. This heating central is a beautiful building with high arch windows like in a churchbuilding, therefore it´s called the "Heating church" only it has not one tower but four ;-). It was actually a weird guy from Norway, who had a position in our municipality for a few years, he came up with this idea of using the building as a huge, and sensationally unusual candlestick.


The first candle was lit while eleven-year-old was busy immortalizing the big chandelier of lights that hangs under the "Old bridge", she rushed up the stairs, joyfully, just in time to get the picture of the fireworks that came along with the first candlelight. With one big sigh she burst out "It´s ok if we go home now ... ". She looked pleased and our walk had been more than an our so I understand she´d become bored.

(this post was about last week, the number two stick has already been lit. As I´ve tried to get hold of some pictures from our walk but failed, due to a sulky eleven-year-old who wants her pictures for herself, you´ll have to be content with the ones I actually got, and the picture of the "Heating Church" is not one by my daughters)

photo: Fini Bussy Broman

Waiting for Christmas ...

View out through kitchen window.

Photo: Fini Bussy Broman

Sad moment ...

No comment on this one, read for yourself. This was not my very happy morning.


File this one under lost opportunities.

I'm very proud of the show we've put together for this tour and have been working hard the last few months to find a way to capture it. I had an amazing situation lined up that would have allowed me to film the show in 3D with James Cameron's team for a theatrical release as well as DVD / BluRay, etc. We had an extra date added to the tour that we were going to give away all the tickets for and have a filming party / thank you show.

I made two critical mistakes. One was to approach a certain record company that owns some of the song rights about producing / funding. The second was to allow said company to fuck around as usual for months before saying um... no. We then achieved the impossible by finding alternate production / funding but the timetable is too rushed to get it filmed comfortably with the remaining time left on the tour. This tour and a lot of the personnel involved finish at the end of this leg, so we can't push filming into Jan / Feb.

Deep breath...
This was an amazing tour and production - certainly the best thing I've ever been involved with and likely the final tour for NIN on this scale. Thank you to those who came out to see it and forgive me for having a Kanye West moment, but this was FOR SURE the best show of the year and any bullshit end-of-the-year poll you may read in the next few weeks that says otherwise simply has it wrong. Those of you who saw it know I'm right.

The shows we have announced in 2009 and any more that may be announced will be a completely different approach with some different personnel and will likely be the last for the foreseeable future.

---

posted by trent reznor at 4:28pm

Strange until the evening comes ...

I was so mad, I was truly disappointed, so tired, and I had spent too much money, far too much. We´d been searching through three big shopping-malls in the city centre, in nice company with half of our towns inhabitants, families looking for Christmasgifts, children making a hazzle everywhere...

On our way home we decided to bring some takeaway, daughter took from a restaurant serving pasta dishes, she chose one containing ham and cheese sauce. As I myself don´t want to eat meat I went to a Chinese place nearby, I hadn´t been there for quite a while, but I gave it a try. There were few vegetarian dishes on the menu, none of them seemed tasty enough, so I chose chicken with peanut-sauce, ( I´m sometimes a fake vegetarian, I eat fish and chicken now and then, providing the dish contains lots of vegetables of course) as I ordered from a Chinese restaurant it was my solid experience that there would be lots of vegetables, thus I wouldn´t be forced to eat all the chicken. :-S

As we got home we sat down at the kitchentable and opened our food boxes, was I surprised! I´d never seen anything like it my whole life as grownup woman, took me minutes to get it in to my head and come to emidiate awareness of what I actually had in front of me ... No! Not a live chicken ;-), but my dish was solely chicken slices, lots of sauce, brown as brown mud, and rice, no more no less. Not one vegetable what so ever in sight, not even a tiny bit of onion, ugh. I stared at the boxes and became totally confused and lost. 11 year old kid shoveled in her pasta, it was delicious, she said. I felt like crying.

I just couldn´t believe what kind of place that was serving dishes like that these days, extraordinary suspicious and disgracefully wretched. I felt deeply offended actually, and so disappointed, this turned personal for some reason, how could anyone expect me to eat that? Bah!
I finally made my decision, I was going to give it back. I had to do something, to calm my nerves down and to ease my disappointment, to get even. If I couldn´t have my money back so be it, I just had to give the food? ... ;-) back, it had to be this way.

So, I put my coat on, and my boots, grabbed the food-boxes and took the elevator down. I walked down town in a determined state of mind, I was going to take this shitjunk so called food back, hopefully have my money back and I was going to tell them: "This is not an adequate and healthy meal to serve, this is not nourishing enough for any human being!" ... and I did.

But it didn´t feel entirely satisfactory, I still felt sad and I wore remorse during the rest of the the evening. 11 year old daughter still believes she has a strange mother.

When looking for European synthrockers from the eighties, I found this band Yello from Switzerland, and I suddenly found myself in an incredibly frantic state of nostalgia ... ;-P . Pity I couldn´t find my favourite songs in the haste, this bacame a bit of a ruchjob, to post the video... I´ll keep on searching.

Yello - Pinball Cha Cha

NINMontreal 11.12.08

... another one I couldn´t resist :-)

This one pic I just couldn´t resist, I don´t know what´s with that guy !!! :-)


...and actually this post is for my friend who just started up his new blog on Blogger, a pleasant surprise to have you around Jari, nice! And I promise I will be indulgent with your love of cold weather .... :-).

the ark: the most radical thing to do

thoughts in darkest of November

I sit at my table, drawing in black and white, some vision I had from one of the Ghosts, prob nr 36, or maybe nr 19 ..... DeMo sings: "can you feel ... dream on", and for once it´s not a computorized sound, but guitars and voices, "Can you feel, a little love ..."

I wish I had an interest for something that could make me rise, from down here in my chair, here in my work-shop-like livingroom, where I spend most of my time, with my computer or with artworking. Yes, I should have had an interest with a movement in it, like skiing or jumping or swimming, or dancing ... I like that last one, but to find some guys company me to the Nine Inch Nails is totally impossible, so I pass that one. I might have a go with DeMo instead, perhaps more luck there ... Well, I sit at my table a picture is taking shape on my pad, it´s black and white and have some sort of steps, stairways, or it hasn´t, I heard them in a song, nr 36 or was in nr 19, memory fails, whatever. My back aches, I just sit here, too much. I wish I hadn´t all these small dots of emotions in my head, thoughts I guess they call them, I wish maybe, I was a dancer or a "fool" with wings ... cause that´s what they say it takes sometimes, to remain sane.

YouTube clip above I actually posted when thinking about a blog-acquaintance I have, I hope it will be of some interest to her. Could give a good laugh to watch young Swedish rockstars when you´re used to the rough Americans, good laughs are good and needed, aren´t they. Take care Justmerimaat, and keep in flux.

Strange move ... ment

It was strange, I never set the alarm, I decided to to rise as usual.

I woke up! At about 4.30 am I woke up, the clock had silence in my bedroom, still I was immediately anxiuos to hear about the results from the presidental election. Wow ....
I sat down in front of the TV and it was on in three different Swedish channels, so called competent reporters and other people discussed this, maybe, so called historical event. About 5.10 am lokal time the final result was presented, Obama was clearly the winner. I thought about waiting for his speech but I was really tired, so I went back to sleep.

My alarm got of at 7 am, I got up, shoke my daughter awake, and put the TV on again. This time I was really moved, tears fell down my cheek, this is so great! Let´s just hope he will have the guts to do all these things he believes in, at least most of them. We already have hopes for a better world, and Barack Obama has a heavy commision, the world is demanding, the Americans are demanding. I wish him good luck, he´ll need it.

Perspective

It´s interesting to see, how we all have different perspective, due to our needs, our situations and our health, what´s even more important, due to tradition.
I laugh sometimes when I see words, words look funny and are amusing to pronounce, as long as they have no meaning, to me, some words have meaning and others don´t, as I saw the english word sloppy and learned it meant something kind of unpleasant ... to me it looks like something nice, you know, puppy, poppy or happy, or maybe slippery or slope. :-) To me they are just letters creating words ... creating sense to things. To an english thinker, the visual experience I have is probably none existing, ´cause the words have to much of a sense of context, that may conceal the vision, the free vision without valuation. Once I read recurring ailment, to me that looks like something spicy coming from an alien ;-), well, I know the correct meaning, never the less, it´s sometimes fun to try and look upon matters with a free thought, to find new experiences.

I listened to an American lady in Washinton DC, she was a republican and attended in an intervju with a Swedish reporter. She said, "Sen.Obama, he´s a socialist, he´s bad, but as you´re Swedish you´d probably like him". To me, as a Swedish citizen, I just don´t get her at all, to me Sen.Obama is a very conservative man, he´s way too far to the right than any of our most conservative politicians in Sweden. And, Sweden is certainly not a socialist country, at least to me it isn´t, I work for a socialist party and we are in a clear minority and get a lot of crap talk aginst us. See, it has to do with perspectives.

We all follow the elections in USA, at the moment, I haven´t yet decided wether I´ll use the alarm-clock tonight and find out about the result in time, or if I´ll just rest in peace until morning and find myself waking up in an other world, together with the avarage Swedish citizens. My friends are already bored with this serial, it has been in my blog since springtime this year, but I believe the outcome is very important to the whole world, USA is a big and powerful nation, I can´t but hope the Amercian citizens are a bit aware of that, they have the power ... we have not.

Meetings at fall

photo: Karin Bussy Broman

I met you out there, and the sun was actually up and the trees were in numerous colours and just bright. I hadn´t seen you for a while, neither in real reality nor on the internet, you seemed more fragile than I´d remembered and though I´d sat down on a park bench you resolute forced me on my feet to an embrace.

If you read this, you´ll probably remember the moment, and I don´t mind, it´s strange now, how your appearance go straight to the emotional spot somewhere inside of me and stays there, evolving itself into a stubborn feeling of despair.

What is it that surrounds you that needs to burst out in the air but remains somewhere in between, never having the guts to let go, it glows like invisible radiation, but I sense it, only too severe.

You are swirling around in transcripted light, to keep the stir in your head just a stir. Because the truth is too fearful and so appalling, thrusts through your bones like acid could do, on the tip of the arrow, follows you like appearences of vicious ghosts. Once you put things in order there will be room for the intangible, better keep it going and hope for the gusts of evil to find another path to stroll.

I might be wrong here, of course, this is only in my head, but as it comes along everytime your energies mix with mine, and I can´t but believe, you long for something, and it surely isn´t me.

just a reminder ...

follow-up to previous post

... the winner is Jean-Marie Gustave Le Clézio. He was born in 1940 in Nice and has written books like "the African", "Desert" and "Révolutions". I´m sorry to say I didn´t know him, but he seems to be well known among readers.

"-at last!!"

It seems octopuses are interesting nowadays, Swedish television has a documentary on thursday evening in SVT1, at 20.00. The octopus is the most intelligent of all invertebrated animals, it says on the SVT webbsite, and there are ten different species along the Swedish west coast.
Maybe our newly started non-profit association, called the Octopus, is this city´s most intelligent one. :-)


These days also the Swedish Nobel Academy is about to announce this year´s winner in the category of litterature, there´s always a great stir and a lot of tension around that. Serious discussions in media, and spectacular betting in cultural circles. This year´s favourites are Claudio Magris, Joyce Carol Oates, Philip Roth, Amos Oz, Adonis, Ko Un among others. In swedish papers you´re able to put a vote, most voters though, believe in "somebody else", shows how hard it is to make a guess, and how the betters could make money when lucky ... We´ll hear all about the winner tomorrow on the 9th of October at 13.00., when the forever lasting and incessant secretary Horace steps out in the hall. Surpise! and .... "-at last!"

Seed

This picture is titled "Seed", it´s actually an acorn, painted with oilpastell crayons.
The painting was showed in the exhibition I attended together with Korean artist Yeon Hee Lee in spring 2007. It was thereby sold to two friends of mine.

Contradictory

TV-discussion between two women in the peak of their lives, both in prosperous familysituations, both with jobs and both with nice husbands. The task is wether the family is a good constellation to live in, is it the ultimate dream?

Lady to the left, in picture, tries to emphasize the obvious risks there are for a woman, to live in such a secretive social form as with only two adults, one man one woman. Through history people have lived in bigger groups, the familycircle contained all kinds of siblings, aunts, oncles and cousins. Today, in our country, the family could, with bad luck, become a social trap, and in most cases it becomes to disadvantage for the woman in the relationship, regarding she gets difficulties to suceed in career and her opportunities to work for a good income to be able to support herself are being reduced. Statistics say that the male often finds himself with a higher income when he becomes a father, the woman, on the other hand, finds herself with a lower, mysterious. Seems society wants to great the father but doesn´t care much about the mother. And these are statistic facts.

Lady to the right, in picture, claims that the family, that is, man and woman and some two or three kids, is what everyone, especially women, should strive for, it´s by all means the best way of living. Society problems in general are not relevant here in this debate, she says, in small families the woman always has the whole and complete power, she´s the one managing the home and household, she´s the one who takes care of and educates the children and she´s the one making all decisions concerning most things about the family. The man has nothing or little to say in such a constellation, nowhere else woman has such opportunities to hold power as in the family situation.

The possibilty of these to opponents to agree to some extent, was obviously very poor. What sort of thread would be appropriate to dabate here, where are the actual problems and disagreements worth talking about, and how come these two women are in such a sharp contradiction to eachother? I ask myself, and that´s what the media ought to aks itself too.

This was a TV show, and it dejected me.

eco shopping

I finally found my first eco t-shirt at the reasonable prize of 199:- SKr, although it´s a bit more money than I usually spend on t-shirts ... I just had to this time. I bought it at an ordinary multiple store in the city center, but there were only a few to chose from, I say, that´s better than nothing, and it looked quite alright to me.

nintoledo again

http://www.toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080826/ART16/48057210

Nintoledo

Meet you master


from Oakland Press:
Published Monday August 25 2008

By GARY GRAFF
Of the Oakland Press

"AUBURN HILLS -- Those leaving nine inch nails' concert Saturday night at the Palace certainly talked about what they heard. But they very likely talked more about what they had seen.

Never a visual slouch, Trent Reznor -- the creator of and force behind nin -- surpassed his previously high standards with his latest show, a jaw-droppingly inventive trip of the light fantastic that ranks in a league with past spectacles by Pink Floyd, U2 and Peter Gabriel, among others. For two-and-a-quarter hours the five-piece group toured nin's seven studio albums with fierce dexterity, but it doesn't slight the playing to consider it mostly as a soundtrack to the sights that accompanied the songs.

The entire evening, in fact, was an exercise in each number designed to surpass the others. Strobe effects from a rear-stage light wall helped the group charge into "1,000,000," while the same rig pulsated with a rolling, wavey quality during "March of the Pigs." Rich blues dressed up "Discipline;" flaming reds accompanied "Closer" and "Terrible Lie."

Opaque screens both in front and behind the musicians were used to stunning effect on songs such as "Gave Up," "The Warning" and "Vessel," giving the stage an almost high-definition three-dimensional appearances. A set of instrumentals from nin's self-released "Ghosts I-V" collection featured projections on a scrim in front of the band, including rain and "windows" that framed the band inside of the images. Extreme close-ups of Reznor singing appeared on the scrim during "The Greater Good," while eight black & white live shots -- ranging from the band on stage to fans in the crowd and in the Palace rest rooms -- appeared rear-stage during "Survivalism."

All of that was driven by more than two dozen songs from nin's angst-filled industrial rock canon, which Reznor has wrested from the major label world and his turned into his own concern this year with "Ghosts I-IV" and "The Slip." nin played six songs from the latter as well as four of the "Ghosts" pieces -- as well as an airy, jazzy, "Ghosts"-style treatment of 1994's "Piggy" (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)." "The Frail" provided a gentle, piano-based lead-in to "The Wretched," while "Closer" sounded phatter than ever and the trio of "Only," "The Hand That Feeds" and "Head Like a Hole" brought the main set to a driving conclusion.

The only downer on an otherwise magical night was the crowd size -- not even a half-house, with a large chunk of the Palace's upper deck curtained off and still plenty of empty seats in the lower. It's a come-down for a once multi-platinum group that sold out the DTE Energy"

shut your eyes up!

This guy Darryl Smyers, I wonder what he´s like? This rewiew in the Dallas Observer (link) of the NIN-show is quite graphic in it´s description, but not very nice all through. He´s not at all happy about the looks of the NIN-fans, especially not the young women who´s grown older, and Trent is described as "a rahter stocky fellow", well maybe not totally wrong :-) but, so what ...?

Trent himself says his fans are the most important and that they should be treated with respect, if there would be a meet up between these two guys, mr Smyers and mr Reznor, it just might not be a pleasant one.
It could be though, that he´s telling a truth that is hard to tell, I wouldn´t know, I wasn´t there, but young people these days really have i kind of bodyfixation that´s not healthy and, they do dress very lightly.

I liked the rewiew, I could feel myself being there and I could feel the emotion in the music as he wrote about it, but I didn´t like the guy, just listen to his name... Smyers...? What´s that!? I believe he has a bodyfixation himself, he ought to have listened to the music and shut his eyes fucking up, or down.

http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/dc9/2008/08/last_night_nine_inch_nails_at.php

Ninduluth

"You talkin´to me? Well, I´m the only one here."

*
Mr de Niro soon 65. When I was young, 18 or so, I admired him, he´d been in great films and he was a very good looking guy. I´d seen him in Taxidriver and that was during my own punk-period, when people in the street used to shout at me because my pants were torn and my hair was too short for a girl. You needn´t to be much of a deviant to cause provocation i those days, especially not in our small town, it was 1977...

Soon one of my youth-heroes will reach retirement-age, that really makes me feel old, still I keep the same kind of thoughts in my mind, rebel for ever, but my hopes of changing the world might be a bit weakened. I remember Robert de Niro from Novencento, a film that got to me at the time but later on I didn´t like it at all for some reason, there he was together with Gerard Depardieu, another actor I admired back then. The Brian de Palma film the Untouchables I´ve seen a couple of times and that film has its qualities in the actors indeed, I like the film though de Niro isn´t the leading carracter in that one. Of course we have Ronin, Jackie Brown, the Deer Hunter, the Godfather and Once upon a time in America and lots of others.
He´s still a good looking guy, isn´t he?


The words in the posting title is from Taxidriver of course, Travis talking to himself in front of the mirror.

Terrible lie - wonderful truth

"You can never expect anybody to change, you can only change yourself" Well, that might be an appropriate reflextion or advice to help us move forward and through setbacks in life-flux. To follow the advice though, is somewhat more difficult. I myself come up with a feeling of unjustice hanging over me, why, why do I always have to alter to fit in ... This thing keeps coming back to me, it´s one of the most important rules to learn, if I want to participate in social life without considerable resistance and in relationships and family. It´s significant when I´m looking for a job, when I´m driving my car or when I´m out shopping, more or less every situation involving meetings with other people around me requires this rule and that I follow it. It´s so terribly tiresome.

Now, people around me consider me as being a very social and kind of polite and entertaining person, how come, I just don´t ever feel like that, I´m always a restrained and stifled personality in meetings with others, how come! Who is right and who is wrong ...

The immediate consequence of this is naturally that I am not totally true, I only appear so. The truth is I live with a lie, as I´m not honest with my fellow beings, and that really hurts, because honesty is one thing I put up high on my list of qualities I would want to have in my capacity as person. Again, what is right and what is wrong here, who knows how I am or who I am for that matter, I don´t, and why comes embarrassment and shame everytime I´m trying ... and why are people always so fucking angry, about things that don´t matter ... beats me. ?? Personality disorder, seems to be an easy acceptance to get rid of the shame and the forever fight, and maybe to come to terms with myself. ...or is it an evasion.

To be or not to be yourownself, I admire individuals that have the strength to act totally according to their own conscience, as long as it´s not to damage for somebody of course. But what about being a damage to oneself, does that count ... The important thing must be how you are in your heart and in your head, because with the feeling of having been honest with your own conscience arrives a feeling of content, that will fill your life with a kind of happiness and maybe further on with the strength to go on in life and live it. This might be my belief.

photo Michael Levin

"in flux" -inspiration

oilpastellcrayon by Lottie "the Cross" (free translation from swedish)

Pictures ...

*
Photo: Brian Kosoff

the other world ...

How can I get to you,
through these endless lines,
with people trying to penetrate my inner secretive me.
How will you get to me,
and how will you descern my light,
it´s soon gone, in the wind with the abandoned hearts.

There isn´t anything, is there,
to find behind the lines,
but as they are eternal I will not reach the final answer.
I don´t exist, do I,
it´s all been in my head, and you knew all this all from the start
and you tried to say ...

I can sense the wind,
and it will haunt me till the forthcoming end,
the only thing that keeps me up,
is knowing you are somewhere along this line,
with people not interested in my grief.
But someone out of reach will know
and I am not alone.

How can I ever get to you,
you´ve built a fence of callousness,
your delicate heart is filled with fear,
and hope mixed up with blue despair,
the lonelyness is ever so present among the descended crowd.

Keep fighting, keep struggling,
´cause there might be a day, we will come across,
upon the waves of the other world and seek away the dread.
Until then the road is jagged
and the backpack filled with leadbubbles,
the strap is tearing my neck to unbearable fatigue,
only one thing will hold my hand,
but it´s almost never there.

How will I get to you,
I know you´re somewhere out there,
looking above the crowd, to finally discover my weakening light.

Photo: Marcus Doyle

Twilight sleep

We need to turn our days back to normal, we need to get up in the morning and sound cheerful, and be loaded with energy. The summer in Sweden is so fucking boring, unless you´re filled up with expectations and own a wallet filled with valuable small papers. Seems everyone´s so fucking rich in this country, except for me and my friends, and the increasing bunch of people with sickness and unhealth.

This states of minds open doors to violence and destructive actions, the other day my friend said, "there is only a matter of time before we have a pupil with a gun, in a school close to us, using it". Only a matter of time, this country is going fast and faster into something we´ve never seen before. People in Sweden feel they are always protected, nothing bad could ever happen here, only this weekend youngsters tried to burn down our school, parts of the building is just gone... just like that, they were probably just bored, cause all the shops and funny places were closed, and most of the well situated families visited the countryside, or the parents lay in their beds with severe hangover from celebrating the midsummer. Young boys riding scooters, rob old ladies walking in the parks. Students use drugs, and the mothers find them dead in their beds in the morning, it´s among us, wake up, give a shit!

We have to turn our days back to normal, we have to raise in the morning, not sleep until twilight.

closer to clues

I kind of lose hope sometimes, the forever lasting struggle takes a break and transformes itself to apathy and disappointment. All influences turnes me into this state of annoyance, people I kind of looked up to and kind of believed in and kind of admired for their strength to go on, when they can´t take it anymore I kind of lose ground. Is the struggle worth anything...

None of us can be a jesus, how do we keep up a fight knowing we´re gonna lose in the end, what use is there, the end would break us down. Anyway, luckily we don´t know about the end just yet.

I believed in you, I had trust and faith in you, I walked along your path and defended you, I walked till I lost all my energy and had to force myself to rest. What happened, you weren´t there for me, you accused me of ruining your life-creations and letting you down.
This has happened to me several times in life now, what am I doing wrong, how am I going to keep on moving ahead, could I have faith in anyone ever again.

Well, take a look at myself, I reveal a person having difficulties in saying "NO...", maybe I need to practise my "No-saying", and stop having such big demands on myself. But I can´t stop wondering, where do the accusations come from, mysterious ...

I read an article on one of my world-personalities whose work and activities gives me great pleasures, he says he isn´t pleased with himself, he´s haunted by an urge to do better, all the time, the things he does are never good enough for him, he wants to do something that matters. He has made a great career, made a good act, his achievement is more than enough.
He has reached out to millions of fans all over the world, he is admired and his music surely helps me and others through life and adversity.

Oh, I want to shout out loud, telling him ... cause my reflection is, if he isn´t satisfied, if the things he has done is not enough, what use is there for me to keep going, he´s achieved what others only keep in their dreams. Then, when I come to think of it, deeper, with fame follows lonelyness and probably misstrust, I have a clue what might be making him unsatisfied ... workaholics always run from something.

Ghosts.
"Fear has governed my life... if I think about it" (TR)

emotioncollecting

Bear in mind, what makes you tired every day. Think it through, what kind of situations during a day really makes you really tired. I´m talking about the kind of fatigue that´s impossible to sleep away.

It´s stress, isn´t it from occurrences and tricky situations that are out of your control.

Why do these situations make you tired, well, because you´re disappointed in yourself or in somebody else, or because you´re afraid.

What is disappointment and what i fear, emotions, aren´t they.

Do these emotions really exist or are they just creations of your own.

If I´m sensitive and strongly susceptible, especially when it comes to emotions in atmosphere or unstable atmosphere, for instance when entering a room or a context where few or many people are gathered, then my own emotional stability comes in disorder. There are simply too much of impressions and anxiety affecting me, I can´t take it.

Too much emotion-collecting puts your whole personality at stake, cause I see this as collecting, as long as you don´t deal with it and realizing you have a problem, you start avoiding troublesome and demanding situations and people. If you don´t deal with it the outcome will inevitably be mental disorder, you will destroy yourself and become an illness...

Feelings and emotions have a very significant and important role in our lives, we have to learn how to understand them, how to interpret them and how to deal with them, whether they are based on an objective reason or are just engendered in our own heads.

From real life

Out of fear comes threat, the very last thing to use as a weapon before using violence.

Threat is violence in itself, could be a roar or a scream, could be ominous behaviour, could be written in literate and sofisticated words, noticeable only to the one it´s concerned,

Threat - violence, where is the psycological difference.

Power – control.

Stick Park

photo: Dave Hacker

the very best state

Fight the power, fight or power, fight for power. What kind of power and for what reason. Is power always the best state, or no power - no responsibilities.

We fight for our life, to gain power over it, we fight against life, to gain a better life.
We fight against eachother, to have power over other lives,
we fight against ourselves, to endure our own flawed personalities.

Well, is it or power or for power or against power. One thing is for certain, it has to do with power, all along

actually nice

Shelters, constructed by your shattered self, just to have some rest from the noise, people talking, arguing and loving you. You don´t want them to get to you, they do you exhausted and tired. Inside your shelters you keep on talking to yourself , building a world of your own where it´s easy to keep control, and where all the struggles have happy endings, in your favourite life of lost hope the days go by and all the evil powers are actually nice, and yourself was a successful artist from the very beginning of the end, because this is the end.
When all is settled you just don´t need anything, there is nothing, your life has become echoes and you don´t need anything at all, you just slowly fade away...
A gain of failure and adversity.


Young blogmate wrote: "There is a leak in my hope". I love the allegory, it´s graphic, that´s what it´s all about, and it becomes empty in the end, from having lost it´s content all through the years. The hollowness spread in your system of red and blue lines and thread, it flows upon your eyes, your lips and your hands, you become totally eaten up by the vicious and empty balloon of hope. Yes.
Now and then you go outside trying to catch up with life and gather new hopes and wishes, only to find yourself stumbling into the bulb of hollowness again, ´cause it feels safe and warm and calm, and noone bothers you there.
Did lack of hope do all that?
I can imagine people sink themselves in big temperated pools, looking for bubbles of leaking hopes. Nice, miss JMM, as are a great part of the thoughts you write about in your blog. Hope may be lost in process ... but we´re still around, aren´t we.
(inspired by JMM and TR´s echoplex)

Fear to rage ...

I´m taking a ride
on my emotion
in a parallell of
universe
in somebody else´s
life.
Why do you keep on
fighting me,
I´m just you,
but in another fear.


It´s going down,
slowly, slowly
it´s going down,
slowly.
It´s raising up,
bit by bit
it´s raising up,
by bit.
It´s going down,
slowly, slowly
it´s going down.
Hope and patience,
despair to rage.

Nine Inch Nails - The Becoming

Solemnly miscellaneous

One could attend in endless discussions about topics in blogsites, what´s interesting to read about and what´s not. I´ve tried, so far, to write about things that are not too personal, in my opinion there´s an immediate risk the text will become extremely boring if there are notes about what you had for breakfast or at what time you go to bed. But then, maybe it´s me, I´m the boring kind, not being interested in such issues. That´s what a blog is all about, it could contain just anything, anytime, and for everyone to make a choice, wether you want to put effort into it or not.

I, myself, have become a notorious blogger, I try and keep three of them alive, one jolly and miscellaneous, one serious and deep and one in a foreign language, english. Time will tell wich one of them will be the most succesfull. I guess the LB-blogg has some readers, I get reflections and comments now and then, and people tell me it´s fun and interesting to read it.

Why I started this page in english I can´t explain in any other way than that it´s a challenge, to find out if I can manage, I solemnly admit that. I will be very proud of myself if I succeed.

I fear my writings in english may be more personal than others, it´s due to the fact that it´s not in my native words, it´s naturally more difficult to write about depths within yourself or to make jokes about politicians and celebrities in another languge than your own. It takes some exercise. Have patience. In a while we will share thoughts through the world, in english.

photo: Michael Levin

Creations

The best trick to come close to you is in expression of words, with each move around the pen, creates a new vision about you within my head. I´m determined to give the direction, you will always be by my side. Energy lost in process makes a hollowness in my heart, unable to raise up life.

Noire et Blanche