Now, people around me consider me as being a very social and kind of polite and entertaining person, how come, I just don´t ever feel like that, I´m always a restrained and stifled personality in meetings with others, how come! Who is right and who is wrong ...
The immediate consequence of this is naturally that I am not totally true, I only appear so. The truth is I live with a lie, as I´m not honest with my fellow beings, and that really hurts, because honesty is one thing I put up high on my list of qualities I would want to have in my capacity as person. Again, what is right and what is wrong here, who knows how I am or who I am for that matter, I don´t, and why comes embarrassment and shame everytime I´m trying ... and why are people always so fucking angry, about things that don´t matter ... beats me. ?? Personality disorder, seems to be an easy acceptance to get rid of the shame and the forever fight, and maybe to come to terms with myself. ...or is it an evasion.
To be or not to be yourownself, I admire individuals that have the strength to act totally according to their own conscience, as long as it´s not to damage for somebody of course. But what about being a damage to oneself, does that count ... The important thing must be how you are in your heart and in your head, because with the feeling of having been honest with your own conscience arrives a feeling of content, that will fill your life with a kind of happiness and maybe further on with the strength to go on in life and live it. This might be my belief.
photo Michael Levin
I guess, the question is, what parts of yourself are you disguising in order to get along better with others? Are they integral parts? Are they things that might hurt the other people or are they just things that make people look at you funny?
ReplyDeleteI think your turning to "personality disorder" is an evasion. Instead of taking responsibility for your decision to be (or not to be) yourself, you're blaming it on some defect. I don't know you that well, but from what I can tell, you're not defective, you just have issues to work through. Don't use any disorder, small or large, as a crutch. Make your decisions and take responsibility for them (I wish I were better at taking my own advice).
I have found that one of the things about being an "adult" is that you are almost required to lose yourself in order to fit in. I think it's ridiculous. So, I pick my battles. I fight for the parts of me that I consider more integral to my being, and let the other ones slide a little. Based on the other people I see around me, it seems to be a losing battle, but I'm not willing to give in just yet. I just try to "play nice." ;)
I find the whole thing depressing, honestly. I don't think we should have to pretend to be something we're not (as long as we're not hurting anyone).
Good luck with balancing being yourself and being social. Get creative. You might be surprised how you can fit your true self into places you didn't think you would fit.
I had, just a couple of days ago, a talkthrough with, a so called professional, concerning how I feel about my daughter seeing her father.
ReplyDeleteI feel very bad about it, of course, I don´t want her to see him at all, and naturally it gives me anxiety and worries. It´s her own decision, she wants to go there, so I let her, but I truly believe the social services should have better things to do with their resources, than to take my daughter and visit a man who hasn´t even bothered getting together with her for years, a man who hasn´t been nice to her mother. (I have help from social services for my daughter, due to my health)
This, so called professional, believed otherwise, she said I should change myself and realize I´m controled by my emotions and thus I´m unable to see things clearly. (since 8 years ago or so)
There was no use to go on, I gave it up with a feeling of hopelessness, therefore this post containing this "depressive" text.
Yes, disorder is a too strong word - wrong to use here, but it surely woke feelings ... or? ;-) Thanx very much for the comment, it´s nice you read my blog.
Coming from the perspective of the child of divorced parents, I would say you need to sit back and wait. Eventually your daughter will come to her own, semi-educated conclusion about her father. She may or may not agree with you when she is done, but until she gets to know him, she won't be able to really make the decision for herself. I finally realized my dad wasn't an angel. It just took me a while, and my mother badmouthing him all the time didn't really speed up the process (it just made me dislike her more).
ReplyDeleteThat said, I would never want my sisters to meet their fathers (both of them are very abusive, and one is a pedophile).
Also, although I don't think you should change who you are, I think as a parent you should put your children first (although it is hard and a thankless job). In this situation, your feelings are going to have to be put aside, at least for now. This, of course, is my opinion. And, an opinion of someone who does not have children (mostly for that reason). I'm not capable of setting aside my feelings/wants/desires for someone else, for at least 18 years. Not even close to ready for that.
Of course, I don't know the whole situation, so I could be way off the mark. Just e-smack me if that's the case. :)
You´re absolutely not way off the mark here (that´s an expression I haven´t heard before) and I have no intension to "E-smack" you ;-).I´m thinking though how come you seem to have a need to give me advise about this, that´s nice of you, and it may tell a lot about you as person.
ReplyDeleteThe fact is I was very uncertain if I wanted to be a mother, I realized it was going to be just as you say, I would have to put myself aside during 18 years or more. I had the father then, and my mother to assist me and to relieve some pressure, today I have none of this, conditions became guite different ...
Then, I don´t understand what you say about my daughter and her father, do you believe she´s capable of making the right choice or don´t you, should I advice her or not. At least I want her to feel she making her own decisions ... and I have an advantage her, I never said anything bad about her father towards her and only once I had a fall out with him in front of her, and at that time she backed me up.
Badmouthing, is that a word or did you make it up?
I'm impressed. I'm very impressed that you were able to not say anything bad about her father in front of her. I see so many parents, both married and divorced, talking bad about each other in front of their kids.
ReplyDeleteNo, I didn't make up the word "badmouthing." However, it's one of a variety of slang ways to say that you're saying negative things about someone to someone else. I think "talking shit" is more commonly used though.
Yeah, I'm not sure about the advice-giving thing. I can't help myself. lol. I try not to put my nose in other people's business. I try not to tell them what I think when it really has nothing to do with me, but I find it nearly impossible. Sorry if I over-step my bounds. I think it's harder when you start talking about something I feel strongly about. And, children would be one of those things.
I don't remember exactly how old you said your daughter is, but for some reason I have it in my head that she's somewhere between 10 and 12. In general, children start to question their parents a lot around that age, especially around 12/13. Their parents are no longer infallible at that point. So, I think around that age, if she is interacting with her father, she should start to figure out that he's not perfect, all on her own. As long as he isn't hurting her beyond what she can handle on her own, I think you should step back and let her make up her own mind about him. She won't be able to do it without any interaction with him.
However, like I said, I really have no idea what the situation is. I don't know if he is a bad person or if he just messed up. I don't know if he is still the same person he was when you two split up. I don't know if he's a good father (some guys are awful husbands, but great fathers). I don't really know anything, so me giving advice is problematic. And, you're in a completely different country, with different social rules and whatnot. I don't really know anything about Sweden, so having an American giving you advice about how to deal with your pre-teen and her father is perhaps a little screwy. Not to mention, from what it sounds like, you live in a small town. Small towns are always different too live in than bigger cities. They have their own different subculture. I don't know.
I can just tell you what it was like for me, and tell you that I don't think you should do what my mom did. But it doesn't sound like you are.
How does your daughter feel about her father right now? Does she want to see him, or is it something that someone outside your family unit is making happen? Do you think that your difficulty with the situation is because of your feelings about him, or is it because you're afraid for her?
I wish you well, whatever happens. Those situations are generally pretty complicated.