Terrible lie - wonderful truth

"You can never expect anybody to change, you can only change yourself" Well, that might be an appropriate reflextion or advice to help us move forward and through setbacks in life-flux. To follow the advice though, is somewhat more difficult. I myself come up with a feeling of unjustice hanging over me, why, why do I always have to alter to fit in ... This thing keeps coming back to me, it´s one of the most important rules to learn, if I want to participate in social life without considerable resistance and in relationships and family. It´s significant when I´m looking for a job, when I´m driving my car or when I´m out shopping, more or less every situation involving meetings with other people around me requires this rule and that I follow it. It´s so terribly tiresome.

Now, people around me consider me as being a very social and kind of polite and entertaining person, how come, I just don´t ever feel like that, I´m always a restrained and stifled personality in meetings with others, how come! Who is right and who is wrong ...

The immediate consequence of this is naturally that I am not totally true, I only appear so. The truth is I live with a lie, as I´m not honest with my fellow beings, and that really hurts, because honesty is one thing I put up high on my list of qualities I would want to have in my capacity as person. Again, what is right and what is wrong here, who knows how I am or who I am for that matter, I don´t, and why comes embarrassment and shame everytime I´m trying ... and why are people always so fucking angry, about things that don´t matter ... beats me. ?? Personality disorder, seems to be an easy acceptance to get rid of the shame and the forever fight, and maybe to come to terms with myself. ...or is it an evasion.

To be or not to be yourownself, I admire individuals that have the strength to act totally according to their own conscience, as long as it´s not to damage for somebody of course. But what about being a damage to oneself, does that count ... The important thing must be how you are in your heart and in your head, because with the feeling of having been honest with your own conscience arrives a feeling of content, that will fill your life with a kind of happiness and maybe further on with the strength to go on in life and live it. This might be my belief.

photo Michael Levin

"in flux" -inspiration

oilpastellcrayon by Lottie "the Cross" (free translation from swedish)

Pictures ...

*
Photo: Brian Kosoff

the other world ...

How can I get to you,
through these endless lines,
with people trying to penetrate my inner secretive me.
How will you get to me,
and how will you descern my light,
it´s soon gone, in the wind with the abandoned hearts.

There isn´t anything, is there,
to find behind the lines,
but as they are eternal I will not reach the final answer.
I don´t exist, do I,
it´s all been in my head, and you knew all this all from the start
and you tried to say ...

I can sense the wind,
and it will haunt me till the forthcoming end,
the only thing that keeps me up,
is knowing you are somewhere along this line,
with people not interested in my grief.
But someone out of reach will know
and I am not alone.

How can I ever get to you,
you´ve built a fence of callousness,
your delicate heart is filled with fear,
and hope mixed up with blue despair,
the lonelyness is ever so present among the descended crowd.

Keep fighting, keep struggling,
´cause there might be a day, we will come across,
upon the waves of the other world and seek away the dread.
Until then the road is jagged
and the backpack filled with leadbubbles,
the strap is tearing my neck to unbearable fatigue,
only one thing will hold my hand,
but it´s almost never there.

How will I get to you,
I know you´re somewhere out there,
looking above the crowd, to finally discover my weakening light.

Photo: Marcus Doyle

Twilight sleep

We need to turn our days back to normal, we need to get up in the morning and sound cheerful, and be loaded with energy. The summer in Sweden is so fucking boring, unless you´re filled up with expectations and own a wallet filled with valuable small papers. Seems everyone´s so fucking rich in this country, except for me and my friends, and the increasing bunch of people with sickness and unhealth.

This states of minds open doors to violence and destructive actions, the other day my friend said, "there is only a matter of time before we have a pupil with a gun, in a school close to us, using it". Only a matter of time, this country is going fast and faster into something we´ve never seen before. People in Sweden feel they are always protected, nothing bad could ever happen here, only this weekend youngsters tried to burn down our school, parts of the building is just gone... just like that, they were probably just bored, cause all the shops and funny places were closed, and most of the well situated families visited the countryside, or the parents lay in their beds with severe hangover from celebrating the midsummer. Young boys riding scooters, rob old ladies walking in the parks. Students use drugs, and the mothers find them dead in their beds in the morning, it´s among us, wake up, give a shit!

We have to turn our days back to normal, we have to raise in the morning, not sleep until twilight.

closer to clues

I kind of lose hope sometimes, the forever lasting struggle takes a break and transformes itself to apathy and disappointment. All influences turnes me into this state of annoyance, people I kind of looked up to and kind of believed in and kind of admired for their strength to go on, when they can´t take it anymore I kind of lose ground. Is the struggle worth anything...

None of us can be a jesus, how do we keep up a fight knowing we´re gonna lose in the end, what use is there, the end would break us down. Anyway, luckily we don´t know about the end just yet.

I believed in you, I had trust and faith in you, I walked along your path and defended you, I walked till I lost all my energy and had to force myself to rest. What happened, you weren´t there for me, you accused me of ruining your life-creations and letting you down.
This has happened to me several times in life now, what am I doing wrong, how am I going to keep on moving ahead, could I have faith in anyone ever again.

Well, take a look at myself, I reveal a person having difficulties in saying "NO...", maybe I need to practise my "No-saying", and stop having such big demands on myself. But I can´t stop wondering, where do the accusations come from, mysterious ...

I read an article on one of my world-personalities whose work and activities gives me great pleasures, he says he isn´t pleased with himself, he´s haunted by an urge to do better, all the time, the things he does are never good enough for him, he wants to do something that matters. He has made a great career, made a good act, his achievement is more than enough.
He has reached out to millions of fans all over the world, he is admired and his music surely helps me and others through life and adversity.

Oh, I want to shout out loud, telling him ... cause my reflection is, if he isn´t satisfied, if the things he has done is not enough, what use is there for me to keep going, he´s achieved what others only keep in their dreams. Then, when I come to think of it, deeper, with fame follows lonelyness and probably misstrust, I have a clue what might be making him unsatisfied ... workaholics always run from something.

Ghosts.
"Fear has governed my life... if I think about it" (TR)

emotioncollecting

Bear in mind, what makes you tired every day. Think it through, what kind of situations during a day really makes you really tired. I´m talking about the kind of fatigue that´s impossible to sleep away.

It´s stress, isn´t it from occurrences and tricky situations that are out of your control.

Why do these situations make you tired, well, because you´re disappointed in yourself or in somebody else, or because you´re afraid.

What is disappointment and what i fear, emotions, aren´t they.

Do these emotions really exist or are they just creations of your own.

If I´m sensitive and strongly susceptible, especially when it comes to emotions in atmosphere or unstable atmosphere, for instance when entering a room or a context where few or many people are gathered, then my own emotional stability comes in disorder. There are simply too much of impressions and anxiety affecting me, I can´t take it.

Too much emotion-collecting puts your whole personality at stake, cause I see this as collecting, as long as you don´t deal with it and realizing you have a problem, you start avoiding troublesome and demanding situations and people. If you don´t deal with it the outcome will inevitably be mental disorder, you will destroy yourself and become an illness...

Feelings and emotions have a very significant and important role in our lives, we have to learn how to understand them, how to interpret them and how to deal with them, whether they are based on an objective reason or are just engendered in our own heads.

From real life

Out of fear comes threat, the very last thing to use as a weapon before using violence.

Threat is violence in itself, could be a roar or a scream, could be ominous behaviour, could be written in literate and sofisticated words, noticeable only to the one it´s concerned,

Threat - violence, where is the psycological difference.

Power – control.

Stick Park

photo: Dave Hacker

the very best state

Fight the power, fight or power, fight for power. What kind of power and for what reason. Is power always the best state, or no power - no responsibilities.

We fight for our life, to gain power over it, we fight against life, to gain a better life.
We fight against eachother, to have power over other lives,
we fight against ourselves, to endure our own flawed personalities.

Well, is it or power or for power or against power. One thing is for certain, it has to do with power, all along

actually nice

Shelters, constructed by your shattered self, just to have some rest from the noise, people talking, arguing and loving you. You don´t want them to get to you, they do you exhausted and tired. Inside your shelters you keep on talking to yourself , building a world of your own where it´s easy to keep control, and where all the struggles have happy endings, in your favourite life of lost hope the days go by and all the evil powers are actually nice, and yourself was a successful artist from the very beginning of the end, because this is the end.
When all is settled you just don´t need anything, there is nothing, your life has become echoes and you don´t need anything at all, you just slowly fade away...
A gain of failure and adversity.


Young blogmate wrote: "There is a leak in my hope". I love the allegory, it´s graphic, that´s what it´s all about, and it becomes empty in the end, from having lost it´s content all through the years. The hollowness spread in your system of red and blue lines and thread, it flows upon your eyes, your lips and your hands, you become totally eaten up by the vicious and empty balloon of hope. Yes.
Now and then you go outside trying to catch up with life and gather new hopes and wishes, only to find yourself stumbling into the bulb of hollowness again, ´cause it feels safe and warm and calm, and noone bothers you there.
Did lack of hope do all that?
I can imagine people sink themselves in big temperated pools, looking for bubbles of leaking hopes. Nice, miss JMM, as are a great part of the thoughts you write about in your blog. Hope may be lost in process ... but we´re still around, aren´t we.
(inspired by JMM and TR´s echoplex)

Fear to rage ...

I´m taking a ride
on my emotion
in a parallell of
universe
in somebody else´s
life.
Why do you keep on
fighting me,
I´m just you,
but in another fear.


It´s going down,
slowly, slowly
it´s going down,
slowly.
It´s raising up,
bit by bit
it´s raising up,
by bit.
It´s going down,
slowly, slowly
it´s going down.
Hope and patience,
despair to rage.

Nine Inch Nails - The Becoming

Solemnly miscellaneous

One could attend in endless discussions about topics in blogsites, what´s interesting to read about and what´s not. I´ve tried, so far, to write about things that are not too personal, in my opinion there´s an immediate risk the text will become extremely boring if there are notes about what you had for breakfast or at what time you go to bed. But then, maybe it´s me, I´m the boring kind, not being interested in such issues. That´s what a blog is all about, it could contain just anything, anytime, and for everyone to make a choice, wether you want to put effort into it or not.

I, myself, have become a notorious blogger, I try and keep three of them alive, one jolly and miscellaneous, one serious and deep and one in a foreign language, english. Time will tell wich one of them will be the most succesfull. I guess the LB-blogg has some readers, I get reflections and comments now and then, and people tell me it´s fun and interesting to read it.

Why I started this page in english I can´t explain in any other way than that it´s a challenge, to find out if I can manage, I solemnly admit that. I will be very proud of myself if I succeed.

I fear my writings in english may be more personal than others, it´s due to the fact that it´s not in my native words, it´s naturally more difficult to write about depths within yourself or to make jokes about politicians and celebrities in another languge than your own. It takes some exercise. Have patience. In a while we will share thoughts through the world, in english.